This is quite odd, as Ive had the idea of this for a VERY LONG TIME.
In fact, the concept for this book, came about 10 years ago, when I got into freelance journalism as i did a diploma in journalism, whilst having my first year out of university working for a big national energy supplier. I really lacked the confidence to project myself in those days when it came to pushing my creative muse, which was probably an indication of the crap id put up with from my father.
Anyway, Ive already written the introduction, which came to me at 1am a few nights ago, and have even got the chapter titles all "sewn up". Now i've got a mixture of "oh maaaaaaaan, I'd rather...! AND " right....better get cracking asap!".
Maybe its cause its a sunday afternoon, maybe its cause i feel a bit lethargic- need a workout BIG TIME. But invariably i WILL crack on, cause I've had some help from the friend the magazine editor, whom has been kind enough to point me in the direction of two very useful research tomes for writers, available online ( and everywhere else).
So whilst I await my cheque for contributions to the last issue of his magazine, Im gonna crack on..
Sunday, 29 April 2007
Friday, 27 April 2007
NECESSARY ENDINGS AND NEW BEGINNINGS
PHEW!
( deep breath)
No ive not had a workout - I need one and its been a couple of weeks- but I just feel like Ive been wearing a t-shirt called "same sh*t , different" day for the last 2 years...no, 5 years...no, 7 years. And now ive taken it off; all tattered, smelly and bin-ready. Initially it was a bit confusing though.
Why the confusion? It isnt anything to do with my whole life, but just a part of it. The part that we all enter into for various reasons. Most of them relating to companionship and sex. That's right...I'd been having the SAME RELATIONSHIP, with a slight variation, with different women, over and over again.
Now most of us probably do this all our lives, and then just settle like sediment in an aqueous solution ( insert your own variant here), for some more peaceful varation of it with someone who probably feels or thinks the same way. This in itself isn't a bad thing, but then it can kill variety as well. But that's for those who've been together for over a decade to think about.
Ive just come out of another relationship, which admittedly wasnt too difficult, because i actually realised what id been doing. I'd been playing "THE HERO" or some variant of, yet again, and once my halo or whatever had worn off, and the other party had become strong enough to carry on, then on this occasion I STARTED TO BACK OFF.
In the end , Id lost interest, as it was more apparent than ever that she was just an energy monster, which I'd effectively perpetuated, and i just felt drained and bored all the time feeding her more energy, so that she could go from picking herself up from the damages that others had inflicted on her before my arrival ( of which there were plenty), to climbing those social skyscrapers she felt she couldnt do, before my arrival. Of course, there was the small matter of me suspecting that now she'd found her wings, she'd bugger off, which she actually didnt. But I'd started to switch off as i realised this DEFINATELY WASNT what I wanted in a woman anymore. I wasnt enjoying the unpaid routine of "social servant-cum-partner" anymore AT ALL. What made it worse, was that I wasn't doing it in any other area of my life, so why here? I knew why, and some if was probably down to being an elder ( eldest) child in the family, with responsibilities from a young age.
after 4 more months of two-ing, fro-ing, arguements, lies, deception and other nonsense, it came to a forced ending by me, then a miserably weak one by her. I'm utterly relieved ( as im sure she is), that this is "done with", because it was utter tedium. And a much needed wake up call for me.
Not being in my 20's anymore, it surprised me for some time as to how much other rubbish you start to amass whilst not tackling the same issue with each partner each time. I suppose not many people actually want to face their own failings at some levels, simply because they become so ingrained...its not exactly life threatening is it? Just energy sapping.
So the rubbish- some of it quite expensive- is being sold off, and this time, Im actually wide awake; more awake and refreshed than Ive been in a long time.
And no, this isnt the "three days after" intial sense of joy- thats done with, and there's a low after that as well, which also came. Im looking for some chill-out time. with or without another woman.
And boy...do I deserve it. :-D
( deep breath)
No ive not had a workout - I need one and its been a couple of weeks- but I just feel like Ive been wearing a t-shirt called "same sh*t , different" day for the last 2 years...no, 5 years...no, 7 years. And now ive taken it off; all tattered, smelly and bin-ready. Initially it was a bit confusing though.
Why the confusion? It isnt anything to do with my whole life, but just a part of it. The part that we all enter into for various reasons. Most of them relating to companionship and sex. That's right...I'd been having the SAME RELATIONSHIP, with a slight variation, with different women, over and over again.
Now most of us probably do this all our lives, and then just settle like sediment in an aqueous solution ( insert your own variant here), for some more peaceful varation of it with someone who probably feels or thinks the same way. This in itself isn't a bad thing, but then it can kill variety as well. But that's for those who've been together for over a decade to think about.
Ive just come out of another relationship, which admittedly wasnt too difficult, because i actually realised what id been doing. I'd been playing "THE HERO" or some variant of, yet again, and once my halo or whatever had worn off, and the other party had become strong enough to carry on, then on this occasion I STARTED TO BACK OFF.
In the end , Id lost interest, as it was more apparent than ever that she was just an energy monster, which I'd effectively perpetuated, and i just felt drained and bored all the time feeding her more energy, so that she could go from picking herself up from the damages that others had inflicted on her before my arrival ( of which there were plenty), to climbing those social skyscrapers she felt she couldnt do, before my arrival. Of course, there was the small matter of me suspecting that now she'd found her wings, she'd bugger off, which she actually didnt. But I'd started to switch off as i realised this DEFINATELY WASNT what I wanted in a woman anymore. I wasnt enjoying the unpaid routine of "social servant-cum-partner" anymore AT ALL. What made it worse, was that I wasn't doing it in any other area of my life, so why here? I knew why, and some if was probably down to being an elder ( eldest) child in the family, with responsibilities from a young age.
after 4 more months of two-ing, fro-ing, arguements, lies, deception and other nonsense, it came to a forced ending by me, then a miserably weak one by her. I'm utterly relieved ( as im sure she is), that this is "done with", because it was utter tedium. And a much needed wake up call for me.
Not being in my 20's anymore, it surprised me for some time as to how much other rubbish you start to amass whilst not tackling the same issue with each partner each time. I suppose not many people actually want to face their own failings at some levels, simply because they become so ingrained...its not exactly life threatening is it? Just energy sapping.
So the rubbish- some of it quite expensive- is being sold off, and this time, Im actually wide awake; more awake and refreshed than Ive been in a long time.
And no, this isnt the "three days after" intial sense of joy- thats done with, and there's a low after that as well, which also came. Im looking for some chill-out time. with or without another woman.
And boy...do I deserve it. :-D
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